Steps

I am an addict.  Those four words carrying a whole lot of meaning.  Yes, I am an addict, while I am not in active addiction, I am today and always will be an addict.  I spent my late teens and early twenties in a crazy and mixed up world of active addiction.  I was a train wreck waiting to happen.  Addiction is not something we are ever cure of, however, we can deal with it.  We can focus on staying clean, one day at a time.  Sometimes that day needs to be broken down into seconds, minutes, and hours, however we actively focus on recovery.  To never pick up and start using again, we know that once that happens the train wreck occurs.  As an addict we don't go back to where we stopped, instead we would go right back to where we would be if we had never stopped using.  Some days are easier than others.  We can go days, weeks, months, years without ever having an urge or desire to use.  Than, one day, WHAM! It hits like a ton of bricks.  The urge is so strong and we struggle to just get through a few seconds of our lives without focusing on using.  For me and many others like me, we focus on the steps.  Some may look to them as nothing much or as a joke, however, these steps can mean the difference between picking up and going insane or getting through the day.  Steps 1-3 are the ones I lean on when my days are a struggle,  Step 1 I believe I am powerless over my addiction. Step 2 I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. Step 3 I make the decision to turn my life life and will over to the God of my understanding.  Those 3 steps have so much meaning.  They can be so powerful when someone truly believes. 
Addiction can be many things, for me it has been many things.  For as long as my memory can recall there was some form of addiction in my life.  I am an adult child of a cross addicted alcoholic and prescription drug addict.  The sibling of two current alcoholic.  Alcoholism was rampant in my family growing up, I thought it was the norm.  I never truly understood that people did not live their lives in a drunk or drug induced haze.  I can truly say my first addiction in life was food.  It gave me comfort, it was always there for me, it did not judge me.  My weight of course ballooned and I was that fat kid, the one everyone laughed at when they weren't looking, the one who could never be part of the current trends because there were no clothes made in style that fit me.  I swept myself away, often times locking myself in the bedroom, being overwhelmed with everything happening in my home.  I developed a love of reading and devoured any and every book I could get my hands on.  This was the time of my life, while still in elementary school, I developed a deep love of literature, Shakespeare and Poe.  They became my friends, the ones I turned to when things got rough.  The characters of my favorite novels and books became real to me and at the time some of the only friends I had.  At the time I never truly understood addiction and how it reared it's ugly head into someones life.  When I look back now, I can see those younger years were definitely a start on my road to drug addiction. 
By my early teens life was really beginning to unravel.  My father while no longer drinking had turned to prescription drugs.  In all honesty they were medically necessary, see my dad broke his back when I was 3 in a motorcycle accident.  He was told by many doctors he would never walk again, he proved them wrong.  My father for his perseverance was my hero.  I could not , until I was faced with my own health problems, comprehend the amount of pain he lived with on a daily basis.  The drugs he was given for pain eased it, so in his mind he thought if one helps I bet two or three will help even more.  It was an uncontrollable cycle he was on.  His reasoning to get through the day.  To be a good father and be strong for his children.  Me I was just getting by.  I was a people pleaser, always trying to fix things and make sure things were perfect.  I wanted everyone around me happy.  I didn't know until later in life this too was an addiction.  Co dependency, wow such a big word, at this time of my life right up to this current day this is one of my biggest struggles.  In my teen years it wasn't as bad as it got later, however this is about the beginning of my battle with this beast. 
At the same time my codependency was emerging I was also battling the addiction of self injury.  So many people argue this is not an addiction, this emo behavior, or one of many other things, however to someone who is in the throws of it, it is very much an addiction.  For me I would feel numb and like I was nonexistent.  One day I accidentally cut myself and felt pain.  To me it was a rush of relief and excitement.  I was alive, I could feel.  It quickly became an uncontrollable urge to feel.  The cutting started in about 6th or 7th grade and was actively apart of my life well into my late 20s early 30s.  I still struggle with the urge, especially when faced with high stress situations, however I have worked hard and developed proper coping mechanisms to help me deal with those urges.  Along with the cutting issues my self esteem was basically shattered.  I was overweight and hated my appearance.  No one truly understands the struggles of wanting to fit in.  Wanting to be able to hide and not stand out around others. My weight made me a target.  I started fad dieting and would yo-yo up and down in weight and could never ever get thin like most of my friends.  I started a slim fast diet and that is where things began.  I started losing weight.  I was feeling good, then I became obsessed.  I refused to eat real food and when I did I would immediately throw it up. That struggle was hard.  I sometimes say I was meant to be a bigger girl, because even with all that I was still overweight.  I sometimes joke and say I failed at being an anorexic/bulimic I never got morbidly thin, so no one knew. 
I believe I was introduced to drugs in maybe 9th or 10th grade just weed no and than, nothing of the hard sort.  It made me relaxed and I felt good.  That was something I hadn't felt in years "good'.  I went to some drinking parties, however, to be completely honest alcohol never did anything for me, except get me sick and give me a headache.  I couldn't see why everyone wanted to go drinking so much.  Me give me a joint or a bowl and I would be happy.  I had no idea how quickly I was spiraling out of control.  I graduated and went to college obtained my degree and had hopes of going further.  I never did get any further.  My addiction became the only thing important to me.  The need to escape and just be happy.  When I look back now, I can finally see it wasn't happiness, it was just escaping.  Whenever I came down from a high my problems were still there.  SO I would get high again.  I was willing to try pretty much anything unless it involved needles.  I hate needles. 
When you're in the throws of addiction you have no idea how your actions could possibly affect those around you.  I have no idea how many times I would just drive around with my friends and get high.  I think of all the lives I could have harmed and it frightens me.  I am also thankful I never did harm anyone.  I was totally out of control.  My life was becoming a constant struggle.  When and where can I get high and how can I keep my family from finding out.  I remember pooling money together with friends to buy food at Wendy's.  We would always go with the cheapest we could get and split it so we could take what was left and by acid.  We would go into kitchen supply stores and by cases of whip its. Drive here or there to try and get anything we can.  When I watch the news and see dealers being arrested in my old area, I probably at one point or another got high with them.  I can remember some of them, yet others I only recognize.  I remember I took off one time,  My mom was paging, yes that was how we communicated before cellphones.  I ignored it and got high with my friends in a hotel room not far from the city.  To me that was more important.
Of course, the fight when I returned home was insane.  The screaming and yelling was more than I could handle and I finally let loose and screamed back.  I don't know if it was an act of defiance or a cry for help, I looked my mother right in the eyes and told her straight out "I'm doing drugs and I am high right now"  I didn't care.  That was the beginning of my recovery.  My mother basically took everything away from me.  My car, pager, all forms of communication and gave me tough love.  30 days to be exact, where I was never allowed anywhere alone.  I have her to credit with my recovery.  I was 20 years old.  I had a lot of stumbles and falls since then, however, I have worked at being clean daily since that point in time.
4 years later I met my husband.  He has helped me face my other demons. The self injury, the codependency, and so many other addictions that have come and gone.  He has stood by me while I have worked my steps and supported me along the way. 
So many people do not get or understand how addiction can run across many fronts.  How much working the steps is necessary for healthy recovery.  I struggle yes.  My codependent behaviors are the hardest to overcome.  I am overcoming them one day at a time.  With the help of my higher power whom I lean on daily.  I am proof it can be done.
I have many regrets in life.  The one big thing that I do not ever regret is my recovery.  When I look back at where my life was I truly believe that without the love and support of those around me, my family, friends and those I have met in recovery I would not be here today.  My life has been blessed by them.

It's ok to say No!

All of my life I have struggled with many things.  Depression, drug addiction, eating disorder, and this major need to fit in.  I am what I like to say am still a work very much in progress.  I don't have it all down yet, there are some things that have come easy, such as being clean for all these years and working my program.  There are things that I struggle with, such as the fear of hurting someone, not being like, accepted, right down to my views on myself.  
These struggles made me who I am today.  I am confident in myself as a person, a thinker, a wife, a mother, and many other hats I chose to wear.  I fight for my kids, because let's face it, if I didn't who would?  
The hardest obstacle I have yet to master is the ability to say no.  To speak up when I think something is wrong. To defend myself and my decisions rather than going with the crowd.  How does one do that?  I feel I am making progress with my children in that aspect. I have been teaching them to speak up when you feel something is off balance.  Say no, it's ok to do that.  Stand up for your convictions. In my personal life I still struggle.  I think at times I let people steer my course even when I feel like it is not a direction in which I want to go.  I harbor anger deep inside that at times I simply cannot express, either because I feel it won't be listened to or that it may cause conflict with which I am not keen with.
It damages a psyche to hear constant critiques from people who happen to be doing the same things that they are accusing another of.  I have been trying hard to look within myself and make positive changes, however, it seems at times I feel displaced.  I judge myself quite harshly on my own.  When the critiques of others come in it just makes me want to curl up inside myself and give up.
We all have dreams and aspirations.  Some I have accomplished, my children. my non-profit, and my book.  Others seem to be just over the horizon.  I am so looking forward to those dreams.  The biggest struggle I seem to have is the constant nagging, annoying, crappy thinking in my brain that seems to tell me this one is out of my grasp.  That I am not good enough, smart enough, talented enough, and at times approachable enough to attain this goal.  I have these arguments daily with myself.  Sometimes I want to scream, I admit I do when I am entirely alone.  I have found a good scream releases major tension.  
I need to make a vow to myself to do the things I tell myself and your convictions even if the other person is not receptive to hearing it.  At least, at that point it has left your lips, leave it go and don't look back.  Friends, true friends, will accept your opinions and while they may not agree they will still respect you for them.  Some say I am a competitive person.  While that is true in some senses, such as sports and games and the like.  In life I tend to not be as competitive.  I feel hard work and knowledge are truly what matters.  Whether that is true or not it is my conviction and belief.  So I trudge alone doing what it is I do.  I give 110% in everything I do sometimes more.  My feelings are if that does not garner me some semblance of respect, than I need to move on and focus on something new.  
Hard work was instilled on me by my parents.  My father after suffering a broken back in a motorcycle accident, became a stay at home dad.  He was forever at my side teaching me, and yes at times babying me.  My mother at times worked two jobs to help support our family and never complained.  I am so proud of all that she was able to accomplish in her life and I truly strive to make her proud.  It is through them that my foundations were built, at times they may be crocked and out of sort, yet they remain strong and true.  My drive for excellence comes from them. 
As I sit at my desk and ponder, I think about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me.  I feel like I am on let's make a deal, which door will I choose.  There are times where I want to say the heck with it and say none I want the curtain, however, I know that behind one of those doors lies my future that I have dreamed about.  Is it fear? Quite possibly.  Being a cross addicted, co-dependent can cause fear that can paralyze a person.  I can honestly say, beating drugs was a hell of a lot easier than defeating co-dependency.  This addiction is something that I have to work on everyday.  There are says I do not succeed that well and I want to kick myself in the arse, however on the says I get it right, I am one proud mama.  
So look inside yourself and see if you like what's there.  If not there are so many ways you can fix you.  

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Knowing your role

We all have a role in life.  Some are big and others are small.  We tend to get confused when lines and roles are not clearly drawn.  For me it is especially hard when I don't understand or I cannot figure out exactly what my role is.  It has been a great struggle for me as of late.  I know my role at home.  I am a wife, mom, caretaker, housekeeper, chef, nurse, accountant, chauffeur, dishwasher, and basically jack of all trades.  It is my scope beyond my home where my role gets shaded.  At times I am a friend, companion, advisor and a few other things.  At times though it seems I have no fit and I struggle with that.
So many people look at me and see me for my illness.  That is a hard obstacle to overcome. I am me a person regardless of my illness.  My illnesses are a part of me they are not me.  I struggle to prove myself and having to overcome the obstacles of my illnesses on my own psyche it is even harder when I have to face that struggle of proof to those around me.  Yes I have health issues, however, they do not stop me from doing what I love and feel I am lead in life to do. 
I am just a jumble of confusion and it is so much added stress when I feel like I am in a virtual limbo.  I sit here twiddling my thumbs while the world goes on around me.  I struggle with stillness, it doesn't suit me well I want to be busy.  Until it is all sorted, I guess I just sit here and wait.  Hoping for a clearly defined role soon before my mind wanders off into complete chaos. 

Try and try again

We all want to belong.  No matter how we approach it or what we say, the need to belong is one of the greatest motivators in society.  Eventually, after some time we just come to the truth, the realization that no matter how hard, no matter what we do, It will never happen. I have always had a strong need to belong.  I think it may have started at a very early age. I was often reminded I wasn't like other kids.  My mother and father kept me very close.  They say the baby usually has it the easiest.  For me that wasn't the case.  I suffered from severe asthma from a very young age almost dying from it once because of an unknown pine allergy.  So I think my parents just wanted to protect me.  However, due to that constant sheltering I could never find where I fit in with others.  I developed a fascination with reading, mom would always give me a book, encyclopedia, a dictionary, and even at times phone books to read, whenever I complained of boredom. 
We often struggle with why we just don't fit in.  We are all created unique, however, there are people who just seem to mesh better with others.  No matter how hard you try you cannot force relationships that just aren't meant to happen.  Trust comes into play.  You trust people over and over. Each one telling you they are different than every other single person you have encountered in life.  I have built up walls because of all the times I have heard that.  Everyone wants something.  Everyone strives for something.  When they obtain what it is they want or need they simply flick you off like you are nothing.  Like you never truly mattered to them.
I have also had enough people who mask emotions.  I have struggled so hard and to this day I struggle with my emotions and letting people know how I feel.  It all boils down to that acceptance thing.  If you let people know something is wrong they will not accept you as a person. 
We all have hopes and dreams.  It is so hard to define who you are as a person.  Don't let others define you.  It is hard to constantly hear from others what you can't do.  We do enough self depreciating without having it thrown in our faces all the time. I just need to myself practice more positivity.  I think it can be a good thing.  Focus on the positive and not linger in the darkness of negativity.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  I think that is why we have them so that when we encounter someone who has a weakness it may be one of our strengths that lift them up.  And the reverse is also true the people in our lives are there to help us with our weaknesses.  I think we all get lost along the way.  Forgetting that this experience, the human one, is short.  We only have so much time to do what ever it is we were placed here to do.
Try no matter how hard and try again to focus on your own worth.  Never place your worth in the views of others or you will slowly spiral on a neverending down cycle, until someone reaches out and say here grab a hold I got this.

The mind can be our worst enemy

Sometimes I sit back with an exasperated look on my face.  I really truly think sometimes people just do not understand how their actions, or lack thereof affects those around them.  I've lived a good portion of my life with major attachment issues.  Feeling a disconnect with those around me.  I didn't realize until well into adulthood why.  The why for me was self preservation, basically the best way to describe it, when I connect with someone I do so at many different levels.  I have felt for a long long time that sometimes doing life alone was easiest for me.  
A little background here.  I am not thin, beautiful, or even the most intelligent.  I am overweight, average looking and of average intelligence.  So when I encountered social situations I have always been awkward.  Having 2 autistic kids I tend to think I had a form of higher functioning autism that was unknown of or just simply went misdiagnosed for like my whole life.  Whenever when I am faced with social encounter, my palms sweat, my head does crazy things, and I talk NONSTOP.  No I don't mean a little I mean utterly and completely NONSTOP!  I have no idea why I do this, it seems to be genetic however, my poppy would do the same thing in social situations or when he was drinking.  Even after his stroke and he lost a lot of vocal abilities he would still attempt conversations with anyone willing to sit and listen to him.  
Your mind can totally be at times your biggest advocate and at others your worst enemy.  I struggle with this so much.  I have had dreams and aspirations my whole life, only to allow my mind to get me to the point that I give up.  My simple explanation to things is that it won't happen, I am not good enough.  The big one is I don't deserve it.  I don't know when the undeserving attitude kicked in somewhere along the line it did.  I struggle with it daily.  I have gotten past it somewhat, however, there is always the times it comes creeping back up at me.
I gave up a career and dreams to become a mother.  I tell my children all the time their dreams are my dreams.  I do work very hard to keep them grounded.  I also know how important those dreams are to have and would and have gone to many lengths to help them get a little bit closer.  
It's so hard when you give up a career and dreams.  People look at you differently.  They automatically assume that you have zero intelligence.  I mean you're only a stay at home mom.  They don't ever realize the sacrifices and lost hopes that came along with that choice.  I had so many aspirations that I shelved to be a mom.  Do I have regrets? No not one single ounce.  I had my time as a teenager and young adult.  Now it's their turn.  As they have grown, I have found myself going back to my dreams and aspirations.  I started writing again. I sing.  My research efforts have increased.  I have helped my husband build and expand a business.  
My biggest issue has been believing all those people who have downed me for my choices.  For believing that I am not good enough, or smart enough to do the things I have always wanted.  I self depreciate all the time.  It has been my single biggest obstacle to date.  
My inability to connect or my simple refusal to is also a big issue.  It is so hard to open myself up to that.  I feel everything.  I feel too much sometimes.  No one can simply understand unless they have experienced it themselves.  I do not only feel my own emotions, I also feel the emotions of all those around me.  It can be horrific to be in a room full of people and feel every emotion happening.  I struggle with silence, because that is when it gets worse.  I truly do not know a better way to explain and most people think I am crazy when I try.  At these times I just plaster on a smile and try to control everything in the room.  No one can truly understand that unless they have been in that situation for themselves.  It is not fun!
Basically my rant of the day is to think! Think before you speak! Think before you do any action! Think before you can say words you cannot take back!  THINK, THINK, THINK!