Steps

I am an addict.  Those four words carrying a whole lot of meaning.  Yes, I am an addict, while I am not in active addiction, I am today and always will be an addict.  I spent my late teens and early twenties in a crazy and mixed up world of active addiction.  I was a train wreck waiting to happen.  Addiction is not something we are ever cure of, however, we can deal with it.  We can focus on staying clean, one day at a time.  Sometimes that day needs to be broken down into seconds, minutes, and hours, however we actively focus on recovery.  To never pick up and start using again, we know that once that happens the train wreck occurs.  As an addict we don't go back to where we stopped, instead we would go right back to where we would be if we had never stopped using.  Some days are easier than others.  We can go days, weeks, months, years without ever having an urge or desire to use.  Than, one day, WHAM! It hits like a ton of bricks.  The urge is so strong and we struggle to just get through a few seconds of our lives without focusing on using.  For me and many others like me, we focus on the steps.  Some may look to them as nothing much or as a joke, however, these steps can mean the difference between picking up and going insane or getting through the day.  Steps 1-3 are the ones I lean on when my days are a struggle,  Step 1 I believe I am powerless over my addiction. Step 2 I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. Step 3 I make the decision to turn my life life and will over to the God of my understanding.  Those 3 steps have so much meaning.  They can be so powerful when someone truly believes. 
Addiction can be many things, for me it has been many things.  For as long as my memory can recall there was some form of addiction in my life.  I am an adult child of a cross addicted alcoholic and prescription drug addict.  The sibling of two current alcoholic.  Alcoholism was rampant in my family growing up, I thought it was the norm.  I never truly understood that people did not live their lives in a drunk or drug induced haze.  I can truly say my first addiction in life was food.  It gave me comfort, it was always there for me, it did not judge me.  My weight of course ballooned and I was that fat kid, the one everyone laughed at when they weren't looking, the one who could never be part of the current trends because there were no clothes made in style that fit me.  I swept myself away, often times locking myself in the bedroom, being overwhelmed with everything happening in my home.  I developed a love of reading and devoured any and every book I could get my hands on.  This was the time of my life, while still in elementary school, I developed a deep love of literature, Shakespeare and Poe.  They became my friends, the ones I turned to when things got rough.  The characters of my favorite novels and books became real to me and at the time some of the only friends I had.  At the time I never truly understood addiction and how it reared it's ugly head into someones life.  When I look back now, I can see those younger years were definitely a start on my road to drug addiction. 
By my early teens life was really beginning to unravel.  My father while no longer drinking had turned to prescription drugs.  In all honesty they were medically necessary, see my dad broke his back when I was 3 in a motorcycle accident.  He was told by many doctors he would never walk again, he proved them wrong.  My father for his perseverance was my hero.  I could not , until I was faced with my own health problems, comprehend the amount of pain he lived with on a daily basis.  The drugs he was given for pain eased it, so in his mind he thought if one helps I bet two or three will help even more.  It was an uncontrollable cycle he was on.  His reasoning to get through the day.  To be a good father and be strong for his children.  Me I was just getting by.  I was a people pleaser, always trying to fix things and make sure things were perfect.  I wanted everyone around me happy.  I didn't know until later in life this too was an addiction.  Co dependency, wow such a big word, at this time of my life right up to this current day this is one of my biggest struggles.  In my teen years it wasn't as bad as it got later, however this is about the beginning of my battle with this beast. 
At the same time my codependency was emerging I was also battling the addiction of self injury.  So many people argue this is not an addiction, this emo behavior, or one of many other things, however to someone who is in the throws of it, it is very much an addiction.  For me I would feel numb and like I was nonexistent.  One day I accidentally cut myself and felt pain.  To me it was a rush of relief and excitement.  I was alive, I could feel.  It quickly became an uncontrollable urge to feel.  The cutting started in about 6th or 7th grade and was actively apart of my life well into my late 20s early 30s.  I still struggle with the urge, especially when faced with high stress situations, however I have worked hard and developed proper coping mechanisms to help me deal with those urges.  Along with the cutting issues my self esteem was basically shattered.  I was overweight and hated my appearance.  No one truly understands the struggles of wanting to fit in.  Wanting to be able to hide and not stand out around others. My weight made me a target.  I started fad dieting and would yo-yo up and down in weight and could never ever get thin like most of my friends.  I started a slim fast diet and that is where things began.  I started losing weight.  I was feeling good, then I became obsessed.  I refused to eat real food and when I did I would immediately throw it up. That struggle was hard.  I sometimes say I was meant to be a bigger girl, because even with all that I was still overweight.  I sometimes joke and say I failed at being an anorexic/bulimic I never got morbidly thin, so no one knew. 
I believe I was introduced to drugs in maybe 9th or 10th grade just weed no and than, nothing of the hard sort.  It made me relaxed and I felt good.  That was something I hadn't felt in years "good'.  I went to some drinking parties, however, to be completely honest alcohol never did anything for me, except get me sick and give me a headache.  I couldn't see why everyone wanted to go drinking so much.  Me give me a joint or a bowl and I would be happy.  I had no idea how quickly I was spiraling out of control.  I graduated and went to college obtained my degree and had hopes of going further.  I never did get any further.  My addiction became the only thing important to me.  The need to escape and just be happy.  When I look back now, I can finally see it wasn't happiness, it was just escaping.  Whenever I came down from a high my problems were still there.  SO I would get high again.  I was willing to try pretty much anything unless it involved needles.  I hate needles. 
When you're in the throws of addiction you have no idea how your actions could possibly affect those around you.  I have no idea how many times I would just drive around with my friends and get high.  I think of all the lives I could have harmed and it frightens me.  I am also thankful I never did harm anyone.  I was totally out of control.  My life was becoming a constant struggle.  When and where can I get high and how can I keep my family from finding out.  I remember pooling money together with friends to buy food at Wendy's.  We would always go with the cheapest we could get and split it so we could take what was left and by acid.  We would go into kitchen supply stores and by cases of whip its. Drive here or there to try and get anything we can.  When I watch the news and see dealers being arrested in my old area, I probably at one point or another got high with them.  I can remember some of them, yet others I only recognize.  I remember I took off one time,  My mom was paging, yes that was how we communicated before cellphones.  I ignored it and got high with my friends in a hotel room not far from the city.  To me that was more important.
Of course, the fight when I returned home was insane.  The screaming and yelling was more than I could handle and I finally let loose and screamed back.  I don't know if it was an act of defiance or a cry for help, I looked my mother right in the eyes and told her straight out "I'm doing drugs and I am high right now"  I didn't care.  That was the beginning of my recovery.  My mother basically took everything away from me.  My car, pager, all forms of communication and gave me tough love.  30 days to be exact, where I was never allowed anywhere alone.  I have her to credit with my recovery.  I was 20 years old.  I had a lot of stumbles and falls since then, however, I have worked at being clean daily since that point in time.
4 years later I met my husband.  He has helped me face my other demons. The self injury, the codependency, and so many other addictions that have come and gone.  He has stood by me while I have worked my steps and supported me along the way. 
So many people do not get or understand how addiction can run across many fronts.  How much working the steps is necessary for healthy recovery.  I struggle yes.  My codependent behaviors are the hardest to overcome.  I am overcoming them one day at a time.  With the help of my higher power whom I lean on daily.  I am proof it can be done.
I have many regrets in life.  The one big thing that I do not ever regret is my recovery.  When I look back at where my life was I truly believe that without the love and support of those around me, my family, friends and those I have met in recovery I would not be here today.  My life has been blessed by them.