Try and try again

We all want to belong.  No matter how we approach it or what we say, the need to belong is one of the greatest motivators in society.  Eventually, after some time we just come to the truth, the realization that no matter how hard, no matter what we do, It will never happen. I have always had a strong need to belong.  I think it may have started at a very early age. I was often reminded I wasn't like other kids.  My mother and father kept me very close.  They say the baby usually has it the easiest.  For me that wasn't the case.  I suffered from severe asthma from a very young age almost dying from it once because of an unknown pine allergy.  So I think my parents just wanted to protect me.  However, due to that constant sheltering I could never find where I fit in with others.  I developed a fascination with reading, mom would always give me a book, encyclopedia, a dictionary, and even at times phone books to read, whenever I complained of boredom. 
We often struggle with why we just don't fit in.  We are all created unique, however, there are people who just seem to mesh better with others.  No matter how hard you try you cannot force relationships that just aren't meant to happen.  Trust comes into play.  You trust people over and over. Each one telling you they are different than every other single person you have encountered in life.  I have built up walls because of all the times I have heard that.  Everyone wants something.  Everyone strives for something.  When they obtain what it is they want or need they simply flick you off like you are nothing.  Like you never truly mattered to them.
I have also had enough people who mask emotions.  I have struggled so hard and to this day I struggle with my emotions and letting people know how I feel.  It all boils down to that acceptance thing.  If you let people know something is wrong they will not accept you as a person. 
We all have hopes and dreams.  It is so hard to define who you are as a person.  Don't let others define you.  It is hard to constantly hear from others what you can't do.  We do enough self depreciating without having it thrown in our faces all the time. I just need to myself practice more positivity.  I think it can be a good thing.  Focus on the positive and not linger in the darkness of negativity.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  I think that is why we have them so that when we encounter someone who has a weakness it may be one of our strengths that lift them up.  And the reverse is also true the people in our lives are there to help us with our weaknesses.  I think we all get lost along the way.  Forgetting that this experience, the human one, is short.  We only have so much time to do what ever it is we were placed here to do.
Try no matter how hard and try again to focus on your own worth.  Never place your worth in the views of others or you will slowly spiral on a neverending down cycle, until someone reaches out and say here grab a hold I got this.

The mind can be our worst enemy

Sometimes I sit back with an exasperated look on my face.  I really truly think sometimes people just do not understand how their actions, or lack thereof affects those around them.  I've lived a good portion of my life with major attachment issues.  Feeling a disconnect with those around me.  I didn't realize until well into adulthood why.  The why for me was self preservation, basically the best way to describe it, when I connect with someone I do so at many different levels.  I have felt for a long long time that sometimes doing life alone was easiest for me.  
A little background here.  I am not thin, beautiful, or even the most intelligent.  I am overweight, average looking and of average intelligence.  So when I encountered social situations I have always been awkward.  Having 2 autistic kids I tend to think I had a form of higher functioning autism that was unknown of or just simply went misdiagnosed for like my whole life.  Whenever when I am faced with social encounter, my palms sweat, my head does crazy things, and I talk NONSTOP.  No I don't mean a little I mean utterly and completely NONSTOP!  I have no idea why I do this, it seems to be genetic however, my poppy would do the same thing in social situations or when he was drinking.  Even after his stroke and he lost a lot of vocal abilities he would still attempt conversations with anyone willing to sit and listen to him.  
Your mind can totally be at times your biggest advocate and at others your worst enemy.  I struggle with this so much.  I have had dreams and aspirations my whole life, only to allow my mind to get me to the point that I give up.  My simple explanation to things is that it won't happen, I am not good enough.  The big one is I don't deserve it.  I don't know when the undeserving attitude kicked in somewhere along the line it did.  I struggle with it daily.  I have gotten past it somewhat, however, there is always the times it comes creeping back up at me.
I gave up a career and dreams to become a mother.  I tell my children all the time their dreams are my dreams.  I do work very hard to keep them grounded.  I also know how important those dreams are to have and would and have gone to many lengths to help them get a little bit closer.  
It's so hard when you give up a career and dreams.  People look at you differently.  They automatically assume that you have zero intelligence.  I mean you're only a stay at home mom.  They don't ever realize the sacrifices and lost hopes that came along with that choice.  I had so many aspirations that I shelved to be a mom.  Do I have regrets? No not one single ounce.  I had my time as a teenager and young adult.  Now it's their turn.  As they have grown, I have found myself going back to my dreams and aspirations.  I started writing again. I sing.  My research efforts have increased.  I have helped my husband build and expand a business.  
My biggest issue has been believing all those people who have downed me for my choices.  For believing that I am not good enough, or smart enough to do the things I have always wanted.  I self depreciate all the time.  It has been my single biggest obstacle to date.  
My inability to connect or my simple refusal to is also a big issue.  It is so hard to open myself up to that.  I feel everything.  I feel too much sometimes.  No one can simply understand unless they have experienced it themselves.  I do not only feel my own emotions, I also feel the emotions of all those around me.  It can be horrific to be in a room full of people and feel every emotion happening.  I struggle with silence, because that is when it gets worse.  I truly do not know a better way to explain and most people think I am crazy when I try.  At these times I just plaster on a smile and try to control everything in the room.  No one can truly understand that unless they have been in that situation for themselves.  It is not fun!
Basically my rant of the day is to think! Think before you speak! Think before you do any action! Think before you can say words you cannot take back!  THINK, THINK, THINK!