These struggles made me who I am today. I am confident in myself as a person, a thinker, a wife, a mother, and many other hats I chose to wear. I fight for my kids, because let's face it, if I didn't who would?
The hardest obstacle I have yet to master is the ability to say no. To speak up when I think something is wrong. To defend myself and my decisions rather than going with the crowd. How does one do that? I feel I am making progress with my children in that aspect. I have been teaching them to speak up when you feel something is off balance. Say no, it's ok to do that. Stand up for your convictions. In my personal life I still struggle. I think at times I let people steer my course even when I feel like it is not a direction in which I want to go. I harbor anger deep inside that at times I simply cannot express, either because I feel it won't be listened to or that it may cause conflict with which I am not keen with.
It damages a psyche to hear constant critiques from people who happen to be doing the same things that they are accusing another of. I have been trying hard to look within myself and make positive changes, however, it seems at times I feel displaced. I judge myself quite harshly on my own. When the critiques of others come in it just makes me want to curl up inside myself and give up.
We all have dreams and aspirations. Some I have accomplished, my children. my non-profit, and my book. Others seem to be just over the horizon. I am so looking forward to those dreams. The biggest struggle I seem to have is the constant nagging, annoying, crappy thinking in my brain that seems to tell me this one is out of my grasp. That I am not good enough, smart enough, talented enough, and at times approachable enough to attain this goal. I have these arguments daily with myself. Sometimes I want to scream, I admit I do when I am entirely alone. I have found a good scream releases major tension.
I need to make a vow to myself to do the things I tell myself and your convictions even if the other person is not receptive to hearing it. At least, at that point it has left your lips, leave it go and don't look back. Friends, true friends, will accept your opinions and while they may not agree they will still respect you for them. Some say I am a competitive person. While that is true in some senses, such as sports and games and the like. In life I tend to not be as competitive. I feel hard work and knowledge are truly what matters. Whether that is true or not it is my conviction and belief. So I trudge alone doing what it is I do. I give 110% in everything I do sometimes more. My feelings are if that does not garner me some semblance of respect, than I need to move on and focus on something new.
Hard work was instilled on me by my parents. My father after suffering a broken back in a motorcycle accident, became a stay at home dad. He was forever at my side teaching me, and yes at times babying me. My mother at times worked two jobs to help support our family and never complained. I am so proud of all that she was able to accomplish in her life and I truly strive to make her proud. It is through them that my foundations were built, at times they may be crocked and out of sort, yet they remain strong and true. My drive for excellence comes from them.
As I sit at my desk and ponder, I think about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me. I feel like I am on let's make a deal, which door will I choose. There are times where I want to say the heck with it and say none I want the curtain, however, I know that behind one of those doors lies my future that I have dreamed about. Is it fear? Quite possibly. Being a cross addicted, co-dependent can cause fear that can paralyze a person. I can honestly say, beating drugs was a hell of a lot easier than defeating co-dependency. This addiction is something that I have to work on everyday. There are says I do not succeed that well and I want to kick myself in the arse, however on the says I get it right, I am one proud mama.
So look inside yourself and see if you like what's there. If not there are so many ways you can fix you.
We gain strength, and courage, and
confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in
the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
Eleanor Roosevelt
